


what could i even do right?

by snow__rat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, have you noticed there is a lot of hurt, i also dont care abou capitalisation its overrated anyway, i wrote this on a phone so shut, or spelling, t/w blood and cuts, trigger warning self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28731768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snow__rat/pseuds/snow__rat
Summary: t/w self harm-Oikawa bounds up the stairs, into iwaizumis room. gazing around the familiar space, he looked at the comfortable looking bed in envy, that looked good, nice and warm. from where he was standing, he could see directly into his room. looking through the window he began to scan his room, he could see every detail, the old mikasa volleyball that hung out under his white desk, his bed, the draw chest that he knew held a dirty blade, and the white tshirt with a bloodstained shoulder.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. sleep until dawn

**Author's Note:**

> hi whats up, im here, with my favourite tags and bad capitalisation to bring you this. **gestures aggressively** you’re welcome.

“Oikawa!” Iwaizumi calls, running towards the net, arms back, preparing for a spike. he glances at oikawa, timing his jump. Oikawa listens, and positions himself underneath the falling ball as it lands into his waiting fingers, and like a trampoline, the ball bounces out of his hands towards Iwaizumi. the ball sails up into the air and iwaizumi jumps-  
Thump.  
  
The ball hits the court, it's short again. Again. The infallible setter, oikawa tooru, has begun to crack. The team look at oikawa in concern as Oikawa gazes down at his trembling hands, unresponsive to the world around him, he returns to his place and listlessly watches the ball fly over his head as a teammate iwaizumis forgotten the name of serves. The other side of the court bounces the ball up, where a third year spikes.  
“Oikawa! What are you doing!” the ball lands at Oikawa’s feet with a thud. His breathing quickens as he picks it up and throws it over the net where it is caught by a lanky second year.

“Oikawa! Iwaizumi!”

Coach stands up and looks at the boys sharply, obviously disappointed by oikawa's act,  
“Oikawa, head to the nurses office, Iwaizumi, you too, if you’re overworking yourself, Oikawa, or if you’re sick, i don't want you back in training for the rest of the week. If i find you here later tonight it’ll be a two week suspension, keep that in mind. You both are dismissed for today.”  
Iwaizumi nods and drags the dazed oikawa into the change rooms, where he begins to gather his stuff, Oikawa, on the other hand, just stands.

“Iwa-chan, i'm not going to the nurses office.” Iwaizumi looks up from his bag,  
“Well why the fuck not oikawa? You’ve been standing there, completely useless like you’ve just been struck by lightning, dumbass.” Iwaizumi states, “Idiot shittykawa! We need you in the team! If you hurt your knee by overuse i swear-”  
“Iwa-chan, i’m not over training.” Oikawa interrupts his rant, staring firmly into iwaizumi’s eyes, as if trying to send a telepathic message. It didn't work  
“How can I believe you oikawa? Can't you just go to the nurses office? i dont want this to end up like high school.” Oikawa shakes his head,  
“Iwa-chan please believe me this time. I just hurt my shoulder! And it's my left one so it wasnt from overwork, I promise!” Iwaizumi shoots him a disbelieving glare,  
“Just this once trashykawa, but only if you come back to my house so I can see that you rest it.”  
He grabs his bag and hoists it onto his shoulder, “pass your bag.” Oikawa giggles,  
“Iwa-chan, is this your brutish way of saying you care?” Iwaizumi glares at him,  
“Shittykawa, if you act like that, your shoulder won't be the only thing hurt-” Oikawa smiles,  
“Fine, fine, Iwa-chan, lets go.” Oikawa passes his bag to Iwaizumi and he grimaces at how heavy it is,  
“What do you keep in here Oikawa? This thing weighs like eight tonnes,” Oikawa smiles,  
“You’re too stupid to understand, Iwa-chan, maybe find a couple brain cells and i’ll tell you.”  
“Shut up shittykawa, lets go.”  
As the two boys walk out of the gym, hanamaki and matsukawa wave at them,  
“Have fun with that Iwaizumi!” Hanamaki laughs, before turning his attention back to the game. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and continues walking the strangely silent oikawa outside.

“You're thinking too loud oikawa, whats on your mind?” iwaizumi probes, patting his friend’s shoulder, brushing his hand off oikawa replies,  
“you wouldn’t understand, iwaizumi.” oikawa was pissed, he could tell.  
  
The walk home after that was silent, the only noise coming from their feet kicking against the ground and the rustling of their clothes. 

Once they arrive, iwaizumi pulls open the gate and holds it open for oikawa,  
“Hey, sorry if i upset you-” Iwaizumi starts, Oikawa shakes his head as he walks up to the front step.  
“No, it's fine, I just needed a bit of quiet.” Iwaizumi’s shoulders relax as he sighs in relief,  
“Good.” iwaizumi nods, “did you have any homework for physics? We could work on that until about 6, then do you wanna have dinner, i think mum’s cooking yakitori.” oikawa grins,  
“mmm, yes please!” immediately afterwards, he bounds up the stairs, into iwaizumis room. gazing around the familiar space, he looked at the comfortable looking bed in envy, that looked good, nice and warm. from where he was standing, he could see directly into his room. looking through the window he began to scan his room, he could see every detail, the old mikasa volleyball that hung out under his white desk, his bed, the draw chest that he knew held a dirty blade, and the white tshirt with a bloodstained shoulder.

the memories came flooding back.  
a sharp pain in his left shoulder, the clink of a clean kitchen knife, red water washing down the drain into the abyss of the sewers below, the hazy memory, the white shirt he used, the guilt that ate him from the inside, and the sticky blood coating his hands.

And the cut on his shoulder, deep and scabbed, puffy and raw.  
oikawa tried to hold back his tears.  
he could hear Iwaizumi complaining about his heavy bag, and filling himself a glass of water from the kitchen. he counted the footsteps up the stairs, one, two, three, four, five, six. moving towards iwaizumis bed, he collapsed onto his back, staring at the off coloured square where a Godzilla poster used to hang.

the door opened.

it was off putting for iwaizumi to see his friend in such a listless state, so unlike his usual air of joviality and sarcasm. now he just felt a little, dark.  
“hey oikawa-“  
oikawa rolled over to face iwaizumi, the bags under his eyes becoming more apparent from that angle.  
oikawa let out a hopeless sob,  
“im so useless i cut myself.”  
oikawa pulled his shirt off to uncover the gash in his shoulder, still raw and uncovered from the night before.  
iwaizumi stared as oikawa sat in silence, tears rolling down his face as he sobbed into his hands. the pain radiating off him in waves, making the air feel thick. he sat like that for a few minutes before finally settling down a little bit.  
Iwaizumi could only try and comprehend what he had just witnessed before oikawa stood up, sniffing,  
“i should probably go-“  
oikawa meekly tried to push past iwaizumi, who stood in the doorway, eyes wide.  
“no, oikawa. stay.” iwaizumi pushed oikawa gently back onto the bed.  
“you said you would. don’t break your promise.” oikawa complied silently, adam’s apple bobbing, showing the emotion he was holding in.  
“im going to get our medical kit. okay?”  
oikawa gives a slight nod.  
“mmm”  
“you’ll be okay, okay?” iwaizumi lays a hand on oikawas thigh,  
“thank you hajime”  
standing up, iwaizumi went and got the first aid kit out of the downstairs bathroom and a glass of water for oikawa. stepping out of the kitchen and walking up the stairs, he felt an overwhelming surge of protectiveness for his best friend. if anyone had done anything to hurt him-  
“iwa-chan are you coming?”  
“somethings wrong.” Iwaizumis eyes widen as he returns to see oikawa sitting up with his head resting in his hand.  
“oikawa, whats going on?” iwaizumis voice was uneven, an edge of panic to his question.

“I feel a little sick iwa-chan, i feel light headed.” iwaizumi’s thoughts ran wild, it could be sepsis, or (more likely, cant forget the drama queen oikawa is) something less sinister, like exhaustion,  
“hey, i’m just going to take your temperature. if you happen to have a fever, we’re going to have to take you to hospital, okay?” iwaizumi unzips the medical kit and takes out a thermometer and a cover,  
“how do you even use this thing?” he thought to himself as he read through the little instruction leaflet. oh good, it was for ears, thats easy. placing the cover on the end of the thermometer, he put the end into oikawas ear,

“that thing in my ear sounds so weird iwa-chan, i should take your temperature after this so you can hear it for yourself.” oikawa jovially comments as the machine beeps twice, displaying a temperature of 37.8. Iwaizumi breathed a sigh of relief. he turned his attention to the man sitting back on his bed. he narrowed his eyes,  
“how much sleep did you get last night oikawa?” oikawa glanced sheepishly away,  
“not much?” he answered a guilty look on his face. iwaizumi had heard enough,  
“or not at all,” he sighed, “i’m cleaning your shoulder, then you’re sleeping here, now. okay?” oikawa giggled,  
“iwa-chan wants to watch me sleep! im so blessed.” he looked up at iwaizumi teasingly. Iwaizumi glared back,  
“shut up, shittykawa, or you’ll be sleeping on the footpath.” 

oikawa yawned,  
“better get to work then, iwa-chan!” he gestured to his shoulder dramatically. iwaizumi peered at the wound, it was pretty deep, but it didn’t look like it had anything stuck in it. he took out an antiseptic wipe and cleaned the outside of the cut, gently removing the dried blood. once he was done, the wipe came away red and brown, stained with clotted blood. 

iwaizumi winced at the wipe he held in his hand, already too soiled to continue using. he searched back through the kit, locating the butterfly strips, to hold the gash together. he peeled off the backing and placed them on his shoulder, pinching the sides of his cut together while apologising profusely. He then retrieved a large plaster and laid it over the cut, making sure not to cover the cut with the sticky part. he smoothed the plaster out and sighed in relief. suddenly, he felt a weight on his shoulder, he looked across, to see that oikawa had fallen asleep- right on his shoulder. 

his heartbeat sped up as he took in his predicament, move, and risk waking him up, or stay, and risk falling asleep with him. the answer is obvious.  
carefully he lies oikawa back down onto his bed, watching his soft brown hair splay across his pillow. he bought the sheets over the exhausted man and tucked them around his shoulders. resisting the urge to kiss him on the forehead, iwaizumi tucked a stray peice of hair behind oikawas ear, and whispered,  
“good night oikawa.”  
  
—


	2. don’t wake up, you’ll blame it on yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, imagine putting effort into writing something-

Iwaizumi stirs, his eyes creeping open reluctantly as he sits up from the beanbag he decided to end up sleeping in. the sweat on his legs sticking him to the leather. peeling his legs off the bag, likes leather car seat, on a hot day. he looked around his room, it was still dark outside, so he figured it was probably about 6am, the clock on his table told him he was right. it was 5:47am, in his opinion far too early for him to be up, but he had homework he didn’t finish, courtesy of the tall man currently lying comfortably in his bed. 

Iwaizumi knew he had school today, but he couldn’t care less. he didn’t have anything due, or any exams coming up so he didn’t see a point. anyway, he didn’t feel like leaving oikawas side just yet, he was probably a bit too fragile at the moment to just get up and go. he’d email his teachers later today and come up with some passable excuse for him and oikawa skipping classes. 

He got up and stretching, moved quietly to his cupboard, preparing a change of clean clothes. The cupboard door squeaked open and he cringed at the loud noise, praying it wouldn’t wake the peacefully sleeping oikawa. Staring into the darkness of the wardrobe, he pulled out some sweatpants and a shirt, and began to change out of his current outfit. He pulled on his fresh clothes, feeling cleaner, he began to walk to his desk, almost stepping on the open medical kit. Looking across at where he knew oikawa lay, he picked up the discarded medical kit, closing it, and placing it on his desk. 

iwaizumi plopped himself down into his swivel chair, spinning it to face the desk, slotting himself in front of his powered off computer. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, tipping his head back. unsurprisingly, he had discovered that beanbags obviously weren’t the ideal place to sleep for the night. Wincing at the pain in his back and neck, he cracked them out, feeling better by the second. He never imagined he would be kicked out of his bed by oikawa, especially not under circumstances akin to these. In reality though, he didn’t really mind, not even at the cost of his posture for the day, the sight of oikawa spread out on his bed, the deep inhales of his breathing, calm and relaxed, was payment enough.

Iwaizumi powered his computer on, opening word and searching for his homework folder. He stayed working through his homework and assignments for a few hours, passing time as he waited for the boy on his bed to wake up. He assumed it would take awhile, considering the past state of exhaustion that oikawa had been in. 

A few more hours passed before he finished the last of his homework, reaching up, he stretched his shoulders out. Letting out a satisfied moan, he spun his chair around to check oikawas current state of consciousness. He had shifted a few times, and the blanket had been moved down below his chest, exposing the plaster on his shoulder. iwaizumi noticed this immediately, also noticing the white of the plaster marred with a couple drops of blood. He told himself it was nothing to worry about, as oikawa probably would have woken up if it had been hurting him. Even still, it was winter and oikawa looked cold-

Iwaizumi stood, and moved towards the bed, his heart speeding up a little bit as he got closer. Reaching the bed, he sat down and bought the sheets back over oikawa, admittedly, also admiring the serene look upon his face. He was lying if he said it wasn’t the calmest he had ever seen him, his complete state of relaxation mirrored perfectly on his features.

Iwaizumi always knew oikawa was beautiful, even when he felt ugly and fat, helping him through some of hi stress insecurities of the past. But recently, his eyes had grown more dim, almost as if the colour had been sucked out of his eyes. He felt his chest tighten in protectiveness of oikawa, if only he could see what he meant to iwaizumi. Maybe, iwaizumi thought, if he had noticed that oikawa was receding back into his depressive state earlier, oikawa wouldn’t have been lying in his bed, with a cut in his shoulder which was bound to leave a scar.

Iwaizumi pondered this, turning it over in his head, eventually coming to the conclusion that oikawa had suffered because of his ignorance. Therefore, it must have been his fault that oikawa will end up with a scar marring his perfect skin. it must have been his his fault for not noticing how oikawa felt. 

his fault.

his fault.

his fault.

if he thought about it, everything that had ever gone wrong was. maybe that was for the better.

he looked sharply across as oikawa stirred, his eyes fluttering open. iwaizumi was snapped out of his thoughts and froze, still perched at the edge of the bed, watching oikawa.

“uhh- good morning.” he stuttered out.

surprised, oikawa shot up, yelping in pain as he attempted to prop his arm up behind him, “iwa- ow- what are you doing?” oikawa looked up at him, rubbing his shoulder. he looked so innocent, iwaizumi was scared he was going to combust. he felt his face flush red,  
“wouldn’t you like to know, trashykawa.” he said, turning away, his blush rising. oikawa wriggled fowards, towards iwaizumi, and placed his head onto iwaizumi’s shoulder, watching him.   
“hmmm... that sounds pretty sus, hajime.” he said playfully, knowing full well what response he would get. iwaizumi, on the other hand, didn’t know it was possible to be this embarrassed, his face the deepest shade of red it could possibly go.trying to ease his blush and the storm of self-degradation, he closed his eyes and tipped his head back, feeling the tickle of oikawas soft hair on his ears. it was a pleasant feeling, trying to relax with oikawa right next to him, his physical touch assuring him the he would be okay. 

oikawa shifted a little and hissed in pain as he jerked his shoulder a little to violently. the guilt resurfaced,

“i’m sorry, oikawa.” he said, brows furrowed, “i should have noticed.” he paused, knowing that he was hungry and sensitive probably didn’t help him as he tries to put a stop to the tears welling up in his eyes,  
“i’m so so sorry.” a tear made its way down his cheek. he felt a finger wipe away his tear, gently, the soft touch lingering on his skin.

“it’s not your fault hajime.” oikawa whispers,  
“how could it ever be your fault, when you are always here helping me?”

iwaizumi began to cry now, using his hands to cover the tears falling down his face, he knew he was overreacting, but he didn’t se any reason to hold it in,  
“but i couldn’t protect you.” he explained, wiping his hands on his arm. oikawa ran his fingers through his hair, reassuring him that he would be fine. he sighed,

“you know, you don’t always need to be here to protect me.” oikawa murmured, “i can protect myself too.” he sighed, his hand making its way to iwaizumi’s. iwaizumi warmed to the touch, his heartbeat quickening,

“i know, tooru, but i want to.” he sounded defeated. he couldn’t hide anything anymore, he knew that.

oikawa brings his head slowly up,

“why?” 

he sounds hopeful, his question threaded with meaning and implication. Iwaizumi senses this and lifts his head and looks at oikawa,

he gives a watery smile,

“because, i love you.” 

———

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> n i c e -

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like bad capitalisation because i sure do :)
> 
> if you want to scream at me, comment, and ill probably respond in a day because i have no life.


End file.
